We walked into the strip club and my first thought, "WHOA!" My second thought was, "O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience." Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

So I Went To A Strip Club…

Alternative titles were considered:

  • 5 Dudes and a Neurotic Chick Walk Into a Strip Club…
  • No I don’t Have Meth, Don’t Ask Me!
  • I Bet You Could Crack a Walnut With Those Thighs!
  • ALL the LEG WARMERS!

and

  • Are You Just Happy To See Me Or Are We In a Strip Club?

 

This weekend I attended a friend’s bachelor party, well technically two weekends ago, but I am talking about an epic bachelor’s party… so lets not get hung (hanged?) up on details.

SO I went to a strip club with some dudes…I know, progressive and shit. I was there for two reasons. Or maybe three, but the third I can’t say in public. The two reasons were, I adore my friend and he has become a great part of my life (we were semi-friends in high school but Facebook reconnected us and AWESOME) and the other reason was ohmygodstrippers. Why would I NOT want to go to a strip club? It makes for awesome material!

I am prone to over-think life. I am highly analytical and deeply contemplative. I could have been a monk… if monks swear a lot and go to strip clubs. So of course, when Madison explained that we were going to go see “dancers” I felt a deep sense of obligation to figure out how the hell to act.

Lets just say I hypothetically typed “Strip Club Etiquette” into Google. I also took a Facebook poll. Because obviously, everyone on Facebook knows the answers to everything and I have no shame.

I had four glasses of wine and decided to recreate my experience.

I know, aren’t you lucky!

 

ENJOY!

We arrived at the strip club  in the dark and rain. I wasn't too worried about going inside. I knew I had more than enough hand sanitizer

We arrived at the strip club in the dark and rain. I wasn’t too worried about going inside. I knew I had more than enough hand sanitizer

 

The grumpy guy at the window was all, " WOMEN CAN ONLY COME IN IF THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY A MALE!" I am still not really sure WHY, but I wanted to be all, "OH! SO because I have a vagina the world wants to pay me less AND I can't see boobs! NO no NO! Susan B Anthony would NOT stand for THIS!" Instead I quietly signed my name to the book and paid the man my money.

The grumpy guy at the window was all, ” WOMEN CAN ONLY COME IN IF THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY A MALE!” I am still not really sure WHY, but I wanted to be all, “OH! SO because I have a vagina the world wants to pay me less AND I can’t see boobs! NO no NO! Susan B Anthony would NOT stand for THIS!” Instead I quietly signed my name to the book and paid the man my money.

 

We walked into the strip club and my first thought, "WHOA!" My second thought was, "O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience." Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

We walked into the strip club and my first thought, “WHOA!” My second thought was, “O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience.” Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

We sat near the side of the stage. The stage was sunken in with a pole in the middle. I was expecting something from Showgirls or Coyote Ugly or something. None of that, y'all. These folks were streamlining this process. I guess to highlight the "dancers"... I have no clue. I was highly let down from the lack of disco balls and boas.

We sat near the side of the stage. The stage was sunken in with a pole in the middle. I was expecting something from Showgirls or Coyote Ugly or something. None of that, y’all. These folks were streamlining this process. I guess to highlight the “dancers”… I have no clue. I was highly let down from the lack of disco balls and boas.

 

 

The ladies all kind of wore the same things. HIGH shoes, and skinny g strings. There were a lot of piercing and tattoos (my tattoos were better).  The moment the first girl took the pole. (<--- OMG that line is TOO perfect.) I was thoroughly impressed. Not by her parts, but by her athletic ability. Seeing those women move gracefully while not busting their ass from falling off a pole was worth the price of admission.

The ladies all kind of wore the same things. HIGH shoes, and skinny g strings. There were a lot of piercing and tattoos (my tattoos were better). The moment the first girl took the pole I was profoundly impressed. Each girl was rubbing some kind of lubricant on the pole, so it was astounding to me that they didn’t slip and bust their faces. Athletes, y’all. Strippers are athletes.

I tried really hard to figure out the formula on which ladies made more money and why. Frankly, several times I felt like paying them to change the song they were dancing to... seriously. I think there should be some kind of rule that says strippers shall not dance to country music.

I tried really hard to figure out the formula on which ladies made more money and why. Frankly, several times I felt like paying them to change the song they were dancing to… seriously. I think there should be some kind of rule that says strippers shall not dance to country music.

 

Of course there were boobs. I was in a strip club, after all. I was sort of underwhelmed. All the portrayals of exotic dancers in pop culture show the ladies with GINORMOUS breast. Alas, there were no giant breasts in this shift.

Of course there were boobs. I was in a strip club, after all. I was sort of underwhelmed. All the portrayals of exotic dancers in pop culture show the ladies with GINORMOUS breast. Alas, there were no giant breasts in this shift.

 

What there WAS a lot of were lower back tattoos and backsides. Maybe I am just not cut out for strip clubs... but I was underwhelmed.

What there WAS a lot of were lower back tattoos and backsides. Maybe I am just not cut out for strip clubs… but I was underwhelmed.

We didn’t stay too long. Long enough for our bachelor to be whisked away for a mysterious lap dance.

*Side Note*

What do you even SAY to a stranger as they are awkwardly circling their bum in your lap?

*End Side Note*

I can say officially I’ve experienced that rite of passage.  I learned a few things:

  • Strippers have awesome muscle control but poor taste in tattoos
  • If an elderly man named Manuel hits on you and asks if you are married make sure to deflect and let him know your sister is interested in him… (yes I did that, and yes my sister is still mad at me).
  • Strippers should wear name tags because addressing someone as, “excuse me stripper” isn’t the best idea.
  • Men should be required to wear pants without pockets while in strip clubs, because EW!

and

  • There is such a thing as skin burns from too much hand sanitizer.

 

 

Funny Conversations Between Friends: This Text Thread Deserves To Be Famous

Between Sadie and several of my other hilarious friends, I am always laughing. Well, usually…

What I am saying is I have funny friends. And we say funny things. We have funny conversations.

 

Read on.

 

Betony I’m fooling myself in thinking wearing mascara to therapy is a good idea aren’t I?

 

Jasmine Totally

 

Betony Well. YOLO?

 

Jasmine Best fucking text convo ever.

 

Betony I’ll be doing raccoon impressions on the corner of West & Dickson. Peace out.

 

Jasmine You realize I am going to blog this, right? It deserves to be famous.

 

Betony I am fodder for you my dear.

 

Jasmine You are so much more than fodder.

 

 

Much later

Betony Haaay. I ‘m sending you and instant bucket of calmies. 

Jasmine What the hell is that?

Betony Its like an imaginary smoothie if chill out you get to pour on little folk who are running amok. I’m using loads today. 

Betony I made it up.

Jasmine Lol, Am I running amok or are you?

Betony Well my kids are, aren’t yours?

Jasmine A bit. I am more bored than they are. 

Betony Hand print turkeys? That’s my last resort. Heh

Jasmine Think we are headed to the movies…

 

Much much later

Jasmine Happy white people stole more shit that didn’t belong to them day ;)

Betony Sweet potato pieeeeeee

Jasmine Pecan Pie over here

Betony Have you seen the “girl you’re giving me goosebumps parody on YouTube yet?

Jasmine My hands smell like ham

Betony That could be considered risque in some circles

Jasmine Not because I put my hand in my vagina

Jasmine … wait. My vagina does NOT smell like ham…

Betony That is not at all what I was thinking.

Betony I am happy for you?

 Betony Ham Wallet.

Betony Hahahahaha

Jasmine Ham wallet lol!!

Betony I think the whole quote is “vulcanize the whoope stick in the ham wallet.”

Jasmine Lol. Barf. 

dumb morgan copy

Did Morgan Freeman Just Piss Me Off?

I am sure y’all are worried. OF all the people I have picked a fight with you are thinking….”this woman had better NOT be bad mouthin’ our beloved Morgan Freeman.”

It is true. I am about to open a can on Morgan Freeman. I feel a little insecure about it, because, you know, he has played the voice of God and all… but when it comes down to doing what is right you just have to do what is right.

Garrett was reading me a quote from Politico.com the other day. He exclaimed, “Jasmine! Morgan Freeman said Barack Obama isn’t the first Black president.” I shrugged thinking that OF COURSE Politico.com misquoted the undeniably amazing Mr. Freeman, because no asshole would say something like that out loud… or at least to be quoted. I grabbed my laptop and followed Politico’s source, NPR, and as it turns out Morgan Dead-to-me Freeman DID say what was sited.

Now, let me clarify that I have put up with this bullshit my whole life. I have dealt with being called “high yellow” the girl with the “good hair” and not being “black enough.” My mother is Belgian and Cherokee and my father is African American. My birth certificate says African American. I was raised as a Black woman with proud Black and African American roots– though I’ve fought hard to be respected as such. I got the shake down from both sides. I was never white enough for the White people and never black enough for the Black people. I have been told that I don’t sound Black, my nose doesn’t look Black, and I just don’t seem Black… not that I ever knew what any of those things even meant. But when Morgan Fucking Freeman decides to weigh in on the conversation and say we have NOT had our first BLACK president, but that we’ve only had our first MIXED RACE president, I am prone to pull the bullshit card.

Bullshit Morgan Freeman. Bullshit.

I watched African American Lives 2, Morgan. I learned, right along with the other fascinated  PBS viewers, that your slave lineage has some “mixed race” as well. Henry Louis Gates, Jr. totally outed you, man.  So do we get to call you a mixed race actor? Do you get a lower ranking in Essence Magazine because you are not “Black”, but just “mixed race”. More to the point, I am pretty sure Bill Clinton and all the other White presidents have “mixed race” and so technically President Obama isn’t the first “mixed race president.”  I am not trying to enforce the one drop rule, but I am saying  DUDE. MORGAN FREEMAN!… BARACK OBAMA is black. No one is hatin’ on you or reframing your heritage because you have some Indian cheekbones in your lineage.

I think what you meant to say to NPR is that you are a racist. Like so many other people you look at other African Americans with distinct Caucasian heritage and label them as “not Black” or “not Black enough.” I am pretty sure that is the very definition of racism. You are engaging in racial hierarchy and you need to knock that shit off.  You make it hard for people like me and Barack to enter into the race conversation because we automatically get disqualified. We don’t carry the “Black card”. It is sad, Morgan Freeman, that you moved from my “People I want to narrate my life list” to  my “Racist Assholes” list.

We BLACK PEOPLE (YES WE) have a hard enough time in society, Morgan. Can we stop with the inter-minority racism? It doesn’t help anyone’s cause. You were interviewed by MSNBC back in 2005 about race:

“The actor says he believes the labels “black” and “white” are an obstacle to beating racism.

“I am going to stop calling you a white man and I’m going to ask you to stop calling me a black man,” Freeman says.

Well , Morgan Freeman. It seems as though seven years time was enough time for you to decide that “beating racism” wasn’t so much for you and that you’d join the likes of my racist   junior high peers who called me “Oreo.”

Knock that shit off, Morgan Freeman.

 

realhousewivesofatlantaseason4galleryepisode41105

Are You Teaching Your Daughter to Diet?

Some of my most detailed childhood memories of my mom were of her dieting. She is still dieting today. I remember her talking about the macrobiotic diet and how she had already lost ten pounds, I remember her using B12 “because it revs your metabolism”. She was a phen phen user, swore off bread, and frequently did the cabbage soup diet. I remember my mom as beautiful and strong. I never understood, as child, why she was dieting. She’d use words like fat, chunky, and overweight to describe herself. “I feel disgusting,” was a commonplace descriptor she’d use when referring to her body. I remember choosing Yoplait yogurt as a kid because I saw mom doing it, because it would help me be “skinny”.

 

I was watching The Real Housewives of Atlanta the other day.

I KNOW!

You are SO surprised at my taste in classy entertainment!

So I was watching the RHOA and it was the scene where Kim was getting a body wrap. She was waddling through the house with these wrappings on and saying she hated fitness but loved to lose weight. She made her way out to the pool where her daughter was sun bathing and shouted, “do I look skinny yet?”

This is the message she is sending to her daughter. Here you might be thinking, “oh Jasmine… here you come with your judgey attitude. Tsk Tsk!” To that I say: YOU bet your ass I am going to judge her! Children, even Kim Zolciak’s children learn about their bodies and their value through there parental figures. This isn’t the only source of identity formation but it is one of the most powerful ones. A young girl sorting out her value sees her mother ask, “am I skinny yet” as if skinny is the apex.

I am not saying the other extreme is doing kids any favors either. I saw my mom binge eat and lay around for years and it impacted me as deeply as her diet mentality did.

Kids overhear things, they observe things, and they integrate things from our lives into their own. It does impact how they see themselves in the world.

I want to give my kids the gift of health and wholeness. I want to show them that your size doesn’t determine your quality of life, that healthy movement is the way to go. I want us to celebrate the beauty of food- not punish ourselves with it.

Ladies,

don’t teach your daughters how to diet.

 

 

 

[photo credit]