My therapist was asking me, the other day, what new rules I am creating for myself in light of where my life is at. I had one answer for her that came immediately. “Don’t fall in love with jerks.” She laughed and followed up by inquiring why someone would fall in love with a jerk in the first place.
Fancy question lady. I don’t pay you to ask me questions. I pay you to give me answers.
Of course that isn’t true, most therapists are masters of asking good questions.
Her question begged a question. What is it in us that makes us move toward unhealthy/abusive relationship dynamics- why would someone fall in love with a jerk in the first place? Don’t we delight in “good” love for ourselves?
I think our families teach us a lot about how we deserve love and validation. We find ourselves repeating patterns of expectations that aren’t functional. We fall in love with jerks. So we have to unlearn original expectations and be brave enough to dare to pursue better.
Easier said than done, right?
We never see the person is really a jerk until AFTER, right?! Do we blind ourselves to see what we want? Is there some kind of jerk detector skills we need to develop?