Don’t Fall In Love With Jerks

My therapist was asking me, the other day, what new rules I am creating for myself in light of where my life is at. I had one answer for her that came immediately. “Don’t fall in love with jerks.” She laughed and followed up by inquiring why someone would fall in love with a jerk in the first place.

Fancy question lady. I don’t pay you to ask me questions. I pay you to give me answers.

Of course that isn’t true, most therapists are masters of asking good questions.

Her question begged a question. What is it in us that makes us move toward unhealthy/abusive relationship dynamics- why would someone fall in love with a jerk in the first place? Don’t we delight in “good” love for ourselves?

I think our families teach us a lot about how we deserve love and validation. We find ourselves repeating patterns of expectations that aren’t functional. We fall in love with jerks. So we have to unlearn original expectations and be brave enough to dare to pursue better.

Easier said than done, right?

We never see the person is really a jerk until AFTER, right?! Do we blind ourselves to see what we want? Is there some kind of jerk detector skills we need to develop?

 

Responses:

  1. Perhaps there are signs during the relationship but we are blinded by love and our need to see the good in people. Also, I think we always feel like, yeah this person may have the potential to be a jerk but they would never be a jerk to me because he cares/loves me too much. But, I whole heartedly believe you never really know someone until the end of the relationship.

  2. You never see it til AFTER because you break up with someone totally different than the person you fell for. Hope that makes sense in writing LOL

  3. Oh my goodness, Jasmine. This is something I have been and continue to struggle with. I could write a book of a comment, but I think we just need to get coffee and vent sometime soon! Hope you are well!

  4. Honestly, we are all jerks. That being said, there are folks out there that are deceptive and we can fall for them. However, anyone you have a relationship with will at some point hurt you and sometimes deeply unless you don’t find out about their misdeed/s. You can’t avoid hurt, it’s an inevitable part of life. You can control how you react to it.

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