So I Went To A Strip Club…

We walked into the strip club and my first thought, "WHOA!" My second thought was, "O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience." Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

Alternative titles were considered:

  • 5 Dudes and a Neurotic Chick Walk Into a Strip Club…
  • No I don’t Have Meth, Don’t Ask Me!
  • I Bet You Could Crack a Walnut With Those Thighs!
  • ALL the LEG WARMERS!

and

  • Are You Just Happy To See Me Or Are We In a Strip Club?

 

This weekend I attended a friend’s bachelor party, well technically two weekends ago, but I am talking about an epic bachelor’s party… so lets not get hung (hanged?) up on details.

SO I went to a strip club with some dudes…I know, progressive and shit. I was there for two reasons. Or maybe three, but the third I can’t say in public. The two reasons were, I adore my friend and he has become a great part of my life (we were semi-friends in high school but Facebook reconnected us and AWESOME) and the other reason was ohmygodstrippers. Why would I NOT want to go to a strip club? It makes for awesome material!

I am prone to over-think life. I am highly analytical and deeply contemplative. I could have been a monk… if monks swear a lot and go to strip clubs. So of course, when Madison explained that we were going to go see “dancers” I felt a deep sense of obligation to figure out how the hell to act.

Lets just say I hypothetically typed “Strip Club Etiquette” into Google. I also took a Facebook poll. Because obviously, everyone on Facebook knows the answers to everything and I have no shame.

I had four glasses of wine and decided to recreate my experience.

I know, aren’t you lucky!

 

ENJOY!

We arrived at the strip club  in the dark and rain. I wasn't too worried about going inside. I knew I had more than enough hand sanitizer

We arrived at the strip club in the dark and rain. I wasn’t too worried about going inside. I knew I had more than enough hand sanitizer

 

The grumpy guy at the window was all, " WOMEN CAN ONLY COME IN IF THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY A MALE!" I am still not really sure WHY, but I wanted to be all, "OH! SO because I have a vagina the world wants to pay me less AND I can't see boobs! NO no NO! Susan B Anthony would NOT stand for THIS!" Instead I quietly signed my name to the book and paid the man my money.

The grumpy guy at the window was all, ” WOMEN CAN ONLY COME IN IF THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY A MALE!” I am still not really sure WHY, but I wanted to be all, “OH! SO because I have a vagina the world wants to pay me less AND I can’t see boobs! NO no NO! Susan B Anthony would NOT stand for THIS!” Instead I quietly signed my name to the book and paid the man my money.

 

We walked into the strip club and my first thought, "WHOA!" My second thought was, "O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience." Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

We walked into the strip club and my first thought, “WHOA!” My second thought was, “O-M-G, I did NOT bring enough hand sanitizer for this experience.” Ladies and gentlemen there were nekkid women everywhere! They were on ALL THE THINGS, including people. I quickly scanned the room for a chair and push my way pass the throngs of people.

We sat near the side of the stage. The stage was sunken in with a pole in the middle. I was expecting something from Showgirls or Coyote Ugly or something. None of that, y'all. These folks were streamlining this process. I guess to highlight the "dancers"... I have no clue. I was highly let down from the lack of disco balls and boas.

We sat near the side of the stage. The stage was sunken in with a pole in the middle. I was expecting something from Showgirls or Coyote Ugly or something. None of that, y’all. These folks were streamlining this process. I guess to highlight the “dancers”… I have no clue. I was highly let down from the lack of disco balls and boas.

 

 

The ladies all kind of wore the same things. HIGH shoes, and skinny g strings. There were a lot of piercing and tattoos (my tattoos were better).  The moment the first girl took the pole. (<--- OMG that line is TOO perfect.) I was thoroughly impressed. Not by her parts, but by her athletic ability. Seeing those women move gracefully while not busting their ass from falling off a pole was worth the price of admission.

The ladies all kind of wore the same things. HIGH shoes, and skinny g strings. There were a lot of piercing and tattoos (my tattoos were better). The moment the first girl took the pole I was profoundly impressed. Each girl was rubbing some kind of lubricant on the pole, so it was astounding to me that they didn’t slip and bust their faces. Athletes, y’all. Strippers are athletes.

I tried really hard to figure out the formula on which ladies made more money and why. Frankly, several times I felt like paying them to change the song they were dancing to... seriously. I think there should be some kind of rule that says strippers shall not dance to country music.

I tried really hard to figure out the formula on which ladies made more money and why. Frankly, several times I felt like paying them to change the song they were dancing to… seriously. I think there should be some kind of rule that says strippers shall not dance to country music.

 

Of course there were boobs. I was in a strip club, after all. I was sort of underwhelmed. All the portrayals of exotic dancers in pop culture show the ladies with GINORMOUS breast. Alas, there were no giant breasts in this shift.

Of course there were boobs. I was in a strip club, after all. I was sort of underwhelmed. All the portrayals of exotic dancers in pop culture show the ladies with GINORMOUS breast. Alas, there were no giant breasts in this shift.

 

What there WAS a lot of were lower back tattoos and backsides. Maybe I am just not cut out for strip clubs... but I was underwhelmed.

What there WAS a lot of were lower back tattoos and backsides. Maybe I am just not cut out for strip clubs… but I was underwhelmed.

We didn’t stay too long. Long enough for our bachelor to be whisked away for a mysterious lap dance.

*Side Note*

What do you even SAY to a stranger as they are awkwardly circling their bum in your lap?

*End Side Note*

I can say officially I’ve experienced that rite of passage.  I learned a few things:

  • Strippers have awesome muscle control but poor taste in tattoos
  • If an elderly man named Manuel hits on you and asks if you are married make sure to deflect and let him know your sister is interested in him… (yes I did that, and yes my sister is still mad at me).
  • Strippers should wear name tags because addressing someone as, “excuse me stripper” isn’t the best idea.
  • Men should be required to wear pants without pockets while in strip clubs, because EW!

and

  • There is such a thing as skin burns from too much hand sanitizer.

 

 

Comments (18)

  1. Christie Ison

    BEST. Post. Ever.

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      HAHAHA! Thaaaaanks!

      Reply
  2. Xenia

    The illustrations really made this post. I couldn’t help but think… wow, I have been to too many strip clubs.

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      WHAT?! How many strip clubs HAVE you been to?

      Reply
      1. Xenia

        When I was in management – we had a few business meetings at ‘em and also trips to Vegas always included the strip clubs… I have been to a variety – some chicks would have gunshot scars and others would have $50,000 worth of plastic surgery LOL

        Reply
        1. Jasmine (Post author)

          YIKES!

          Reply
  3. Heather Davis

    I wasn’t kidding when I said I’d taken pole dancing classes. It wasn’t lube on the pole, it was scented rubbing alcohol. It actually dries out your hands & the pole so you have better grip. It was probably very similar to hand sanitizer, but without moisturizers. Also, lap dancing is hard too (took another class). Strippers are boss. And beast. And I totally don’t think pole dancing as an Olympic sport is that far fetched. ;) great post!

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      Oh Heather! You.are.awesome!

      Reply
  4. The Domestic Goddess

    SOOOOOO When I went last year and had a lap dance, I, too, was underwhelmed because they don’t look anything like they did in showgirls and ZOMG WE NEED BLEACH. Also, I’m fairly certain they were all high. Where was I? Right. Lapdance. It was hot. I picked a hot chick and stuff but no touching and it was cold in there and her skin was FREEZING. I was totally nervous, too. And she kept talking and shit (she was cute and stuff but things like, “I like your shoes! You’re hair is so pretty!” really didn’t’ do it for me. Anywho, would I do it again? Perhaps. But with a hazmat suit.

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      I would have DIED if I had to have a lap dance!

      Reply
  5. Natalie Z.

    That is hilarious! At a small college town, we often went for entertainment. Of course, I am an analyzer like you so I ended up feeling kind of bad for these girls who mostly look like they are out of their minds (drugs, etc…) It’s an interesting career choice though. Great tips especially the strippers needing nametags. Ma’am just seems quite to proper for most of those places ;)

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      Ma’am! I should have tried ma’am!

      Reply
  6. Brandy Dennis

    This is too great!! I have been to a strip club once and I was so uncomfortable. I felt fat, ugly and out of place and I didn’t know how to act either! So I left quickly. I am way too insecure to go with my dude or alone.

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      No way dude! Don’t feel insecure, those ladies work there ;) It is their JOB to like you.

      Reply
  7. Jodi

    Can you go again so you can write “Jasmine at the Strip Club: Part Deux”? That was awesome.

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      Haha! Thanks! Maaaaaybe ;)

      Reply
  8. djrelat7

    LMAO, I LOVE the pics recap~ Strippers are athletes YES! When I took one of my bfs to vegas I signed us up for stripper classes…. I really tried to do some of the moves on the pole but I DO NOT KNOW HOW THEY DO IT. I am obviously not an athelete. LOL and the dances, well I kept getting cramps in my thights/hip area, needless to say I am not an athlete. lol

    Reply
    1. Jasmine (Post author)

      I would have NEVER guessed YOU tried pole dancing ;)

      Reply

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