Alternative titles were considered:
- 5 Dudes and a Neurotic Chick Walk Into a Strip Club…
- No I don’t Have Meth, Don’t Ask Me!
- I Bet You Could Crack a Walnut With Those Thighs!
- ALL the LEG WARMERS!
- Are You Just Happy To See Me Or Are We In a Strip Club?
This weekend I attended a friend’s bachelor party, well technically two weekends ago, but I am talking about an epic bachelor’s party… so lets not get hung (hanged?) up on details.
SO I went to a strip club with some dudes…I know, progressive and shit. I was there for two reasons. Or maybe three, but the third I can’t say in public. The two reasons were, I adore my friend and he has become a great part of my life (we were semi-friends in high school but Facebook reconnected us and AWESOME) and the other reason was ohmygodstrippers. Why would I NOT want to go to a strip club? It makes for awesome material!
I am prone to over-think life. I am highly analytical and deeply contemplative. I could have been a monk… if monks swear a lot and go to strip clubs. So of course, when Madison explained that we were going to go see “dancers” I felt a deep sense of obligation to figure out how the hell to act.
Lets just say I hypothetically typed “Strip Club Etiquette” into Google. I also took a Facebook poll. Because obviously, everyone on Facebook knows the answers to everything and I have no shame.
I had four glasses of wine and decided to recreate my experience.
I know, aren’t you lucky!
We didn’t stay too long. Long enough for our bachelor to be whisked away for a mysterious lap dance.
What do you even SAY to a stranger as they are awkwardly circling their bum in your lap?
*End Side Note*
I can say officially I’ve experienced that rite of passage. I learned a few things:
- Strippers have awesome muscle control but poor taste in tattoos
- If an elderly man named Manuel hits on you and asks if you are married make sure to deflect and let him know your sister is interested in him… (yes I did that, and yes my sister is still mad at me).
- Strippers should wear name tags because addressing someone as, “excuse me stripper” isn’t the best idea.
- Men should be required to wear pants without pockets while in strip clubs, because EW!
- There is such a thing as skin burns from too much hand sanitizer.