It is amazing what happens when you let go of attached meaning and expectations and just surrender. I hate surrendering. It doesn’t feel good to me. I’d like to imagine it as standing atop a high cliff and blissfully falling backward into a blue-green ocean. The water envelops my body as I drift deeper and deeper. Unfortunately it looks more like trying to drag a cat into water. My eyes are bloodshot and bewildered as I dig my claws deep into the carpet and flatten my body out. Surrender? No! You will have to pry my claws out of the carpet and drag my howling ass to the water. I do not surrender. I am that wet and humiliated looking cat who fought so hard and still got the bath anyway.
But when I wrote this post about letting goof the life I thought I had, I was realizing that I can’t control everything. I mean, I KNOW that I can’t control everything. I KNOW that truth intellectually, but not emotionally. I still drive myself to the point of panic trying to micro-manage a life that has way too many external circumstances to control. This is a result of being raised in chaos. This is a result of fear. Fear based living slowly buries our joy and keeps us isolated from community.
Last week we made the final payment on our modification. We received a letter from our loan officer letting us know that our lender has prepared a new contract for us. We have pulled our home back from foreclosure. Our home will not be taken from us. We let go, did what we could, and surrendered expectations… and as it turns out that was exactly what we needed to come out on the other side the way we wanted to. I know this doesn’t happen the same way for everyone, but I am thankful it happened this way for us.
Thanks 2013! You already suck less.