I am drinking alcohol while writing this. I offer that not as an excuse but as an explanation…
Okay, that is a lie.
It is totally an excuse. I need to be able to say, if someone comments on this post, “Damn Jasmine you are a hot mess” well, I was drinking so that post doesn’t count. You know, plausible deniability. But the truth as to if I am ACTUALLY drinking right now will never be known.
Sometimes when life is a shit storm, I ask myself “what would Memphis do.” You know who I am talkin’ about right? Memphis? MEMPHIS, people! The hustler/pimp from Hustle & Flow?! I swear, you people are so uncultured. But seriously… “WWMD”. Okay, so WWMD doesn’t work because people are all, “what would mass destruction do?” Then I am all, “MEMPHIS, the most PIMPtastic pimp/hustler of all times.”
and then ::blank stare::
What I am trying to say is that my life is sucking right now. I have so many decisions to make, so much angst and pain, and like Memphis… I have an inner rapper in me strugglin’ to break free of the pimp game.
Okay, never mind. That doesn’t work at all. I don’t want to be a pimp or a rapper, and Memphis was a horrific douche bag in that movie. What I am trying to say, really, is that I have so many worries about the upcoming life changes I am experiencing and going to experience.
I am afraid to make friends with people, because they might be frightened off by the drama that is my sad sad life.
I am afraid of making the wrong decisions, because I thrive on certainty.
I am afraid my life will continually be monopolized by an addiction that I didn’t choose.
I am afraid I will destroy my kids forever.
I am afraid Christmases and birthdays and …just EVERYTHING will never be the same.
I am afraid I am not worthy enough.
I am afraid.
Fear has never been enough to stop me from marching forward. In the words of Destiny’s Child, I am a [motherfucking] survivor. I added the “motherfucking” to that. I don’t think that was ever a lyric in the song, though it should have been. So I am marching forward, scared as hell, but… ready to backhand whatever gets in my way. Just like Memphis and his pimp slap.
See. Full circle, people. Full circle