I am drinking alcohol while writing this. I offer that not as an excuse but as an explanation…
Okay, that is a lie.
It is totally an excuse. I need to be able to say, if someone comments on this post, “Damn Jasmine you are a hot mess” well, I was drinking so that post doesn’t count. You know, plausible deniability. But the truth as to if I am ACTUALLY drinking right now will never be known.
I digress.
Sometimes when life is a shit storm, I ask myself “what would Memphis do.” You know who I am talkin’ about right? Memphis? MEMPHIS, people! The hustler/pimp from Hustle & Flow?! I swear, you people are so uncultured. But seriously… “WWMD”. Okay, so WWMD doesn’t work because people are all, “what would mass destruction do?” Then I am all, “MEMPHIS, the most PIMPtastic pimp/hustler of all times.”
and then ::blank stare::
What I am trying to say is that my life is sucking right now. I have so many decisions to make, so much angst and pain, and like Memphis… I have an inner rapper in me strugglin’ to break free of the pimp game.
Okay, never mind. That doesn’t work at all. I don’t want to be a pimp or a rapper, and Memphis was a horrific douche bag in that movie. What I am trying to say, really, is that I have so many worries about the upcoming life changes I am experiencing and going to experience.
I am afraid to make friends with people, because they might be frightened off by the drama that is my sad sad life.
I am afraid of making the wrong decisions, because I thrive on certainty.
I am afraid my life will continually be monopolized by an addiction that I didn’t choose.
I am afraid I will destroy my kids forever.
I am afraid Christmases and birthdays and …just EVERYTHING will never be the same.
I am afraid I am not worthy enough.
I am afraid.
But.
Fear has never been enough to stop me from marching forward. In the words of Destiny’s Child, I am a [motherfucking] survivor. I added the “motherfucking” to that. I don’t think that was ever a lyric in the song, though it should have been. So I am marching forward, scared as hell, but… ready to backhand whatever gets in my way. Just like Memphis and his pimp slap.
See. Full circle, people. Full circle
March on girl an pimp slap them Bitches who get in the way..
Oh mom, you say the prettiest things.
Why did this bring tears to my eyes? I get it. In a weird, totally not the same situation but can completely relate to the emotions and feelings kind of get it. Hugs to you. Stay strong. And I completely had to read this BECAUSE of the title. Yo yo yo, mama. ;>
Rough stuff, Andrea. I am sorry you are suffering as well. We be hustlin’