You people are the best. The BEST! I’ve received so much love and pouring out of kindness and resources that it is hard to feel sad about this whole thing. I mean, it IS sad… and in a way it has also helped me to understand how deeply I am loved by so many people. I don’t know what I did. I think, mainly, I say bad words and act ridiculous. BUT for whatever reason YOU people like me for me, and I feel really good about that.
Here is an update:
After my blog post went live and Garrett and I began talking through what the new structure of our family looks like He asked me to consider not filing for a divorce. He asked for another chance to prove that he was willing to do the work involved in healing the last several years, and I agreed. I agreed contingent upon HIM doing the work, and HIM making a plan to manage his addiction.
Each of experiences polarity and splits in life. You know what I am talking about? That place where you want autonomy but crave the safety of dependence. Where you want to share your secrets but also want people out of your business. That is the kind of split I am experiencing. I want, desperately, to make marriage work with Garrett for my kids and for myself and yet, there is a part of me who is all, “UM. Time to G-O, lady!”
So what is the right answer?
I am working that out with my therapist, mostly. But the short answer to “what is the right answer” is this:
Whatever I want
Isn’t that insane? I hate this answer. If you are a perfectionist like me then you completely understand why this answer is so unsettling. For readers who share my personality type or struggles you might find that in order to make choices for your life you find yourself researching, asking friends, mulling it over, figuring statistics, asking what is the “good or right” choice, and generally feeling like you need some kind of reason to do what you want or whatever you think you need. Maybe you, like me, sometimes feel so frozen with fear of moving forward that you just don’t. You want to “do it right” and perfectionism robs you of so many chances. I struggle in this way because in some point on my journey to adulthood I began to distrust my own voice and value. I began to believe that “because I want it or feel I need it” wasn’t a good enough reason. I believe that if I choose a path that the reasoning must be reasonable, logical, have a “good enough” explanation, “right”, valid, balanced, etc etc, ad nauseam.
Black and White think is hard to break free of.
Sometimes we begin to believe and live life this way because the underlying belief is that we believe we must prove we are WORTHY.
What I want and what I need will be worthy IF
- it is logical
- it make sense to other people
- it is valid
- it is the “right” or “good” choice
So part of my journey is trusting that I am enough and my choices, however I land, are okay. Because I am okay no matter what road I take. You are okay, no matter what road you take.
You and I are more than okay- we are worthy.
I am figuring out my path.
What path are you struggling to head down or afraid to leave?