You people are the best. The BEST! I’ve received so much love and pouring out of kindness and resources that it is hard to feel sad about this whole thing. I mean, it IS sad… and in a way it has also helped me to understand how deeply I am loved by so many people. I don’t know what I did. I think, mainly, I say bad words and act ridiculous. BUT for whatever reason YOU people like me for me, and I feel really good about that.
Here is an update:
After my blog post went live and Garrett and I began talking through what the new structure of our family looks like He asked me to consider not filing for a divorce. He asked for another chance to prove that he was willing to do the work involved in healing the last several years, and I agreed. I agreed contingent upon HIM doing the work, and HIM making a plan to manage his addiction.
Each of experiences polarity and splits in life. You know what I am talking about? That place where you want autonomy but crave the safety of dependence. Where you want to share your secrets but also want people out of your business. That is the kind of split I am experiencing. I want, desperately, to make marriage work with Garrett for my kids and for myself and yet, there is a part of me who is all, “UM. Time to G-O, lady!”
So what is the right answer?
I am working that out with my therapist, mostly. But the short answer to “what is the right answer” is this:
Whatever I want
Isn’t that insane? I hate this answer. If you are a perfectionist like me then you completely understand why this answer is so unsettling. For readers who share my personality type or struggles you might find that in order to make choices for your life you find yourself researching, asking friends, mulling it over, figuring statistics, asking what is the “good or right” choice, and generally feeling like you need some kind of reason to do what you want or whatever you think you need. Maybe you, like me, sometimes feel so frozen with fear of moving forward that you just don’t. You want to “do it right” and perfectionism robs you of so many chances. I struggle in this way because in some point on my journey to adulthood I began to distrust my own voice and value. I began to believe that “because I want it or feel I need it” wasn’t a good enough reason. I believe that if I choose a path that the reasoning must be reasonable, logical, have a “good enough” explanation, “right”, valid, balanced, etc etc, ad nauseam.
Black and White think is hard to break free of.
And
Sometimes we begin to believe and live life this way because the underlying belief is that we believe we must prove we are WORTHY.
What I want and what I need will be worthy IF
- it is logical
- it make sense to other people
- it is valid
- it is the “right” or “good” choice
So part of my journey is trusting that I am enough and my choices, however I land, are okay. Because I am okay no matter what road I take. You are okay, no matter what road you take.
You and I are more than okay- we are worthy.
I am figuring out my path.
What path are you struggling to head down or afraid to leave?
Oh wow, I am that kind of perfectionist. I got frozen up this year because of it… this gives me some things to chew on. Grateful.
Thanks for sharing that Mar! I struggle SO much with this, always needing to find the “right answer”. The interesting question to answer is: what does making the “wrong” answer mean for me. Frequently it means that I feel like I am ignorant, not a good person, and all sorts of other things… which aren’t always accurate. It is a long path, but practicing feeling worthy no matter what is so important.
WOW, I am the same A-type perfectionist as you and going thru the same struggles right now…it’s absolutely the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, so I am so very sorry you are also going thru this. My “shrink” told me something….”worry about yourself and if he is a big boy he will come to grips with it all, but you can’t make them (the hubby’s) want to be good, they have to do it for themselves and for the right reasons”…..it’s a lot to swallow , but it’s so true….if they don’t want to stop with their addiction of choice (my hubby’s is a co worker) then you can’t beat them over the head until they do….you need to do what is right for you, so you can heal…then everything else will fall into place! I wish you the best with your decision! xo
Mk, That is very true. That is a truth that I have held in my head for a long time, but has only recently started believing with my heart. It is a hard truth to face, especially when children are involved and both parent’s choices have such a impact. I am so sorry your husband doesn’t see what he is doing. That is the way denial works. But our task is to keep building ourselves, keep moving forward in OUR journey.
Love to you.
Thanks! …and I agree with you, it’s hard to see the impact this is having on my kids. I have three 18 year olds in their first year of college…..to say it’s distracting would be an understatement….and they are the ones who clued ME in to what was going on! It is a journey for all of us…and I hope we can all heal! Love to you too!
I so often lose myself in trying to make everyone around me feel worthy. I’m trying to work on that. Because you’re right. We are worthy. Of love, happiness, friendship… whatever we want, we are worthy.
Yes yes yes. I am guilty of finding my worth in being needed instead of being wanted. If I could fill a space that no one else could fill I could feel important. The truth all along is that I have value no matter what I do. Some of that struggle came from part of a religious background of needing to “please God” and also from my family of origin.
I know the frozen feeling you are writing about well. A few years ago I latched on to a phrase that has served me well. “Don’t make perfect the enemy of good.” For years I didn’t open an IRA because I kept researching the best one, I didn’t quit a job that didn’t suit me because the perfect new one wasn’t out there, and I didn’t start a business because I didn’t have the perfect plan. Pretty much, I was afraid. I was afraid to trust myself to make those decisions and afraid that I wasn’t strong enough to deal with the consequences. I am, slowly, learning how to be scared and strong at the same time.
Man! Yes! FEAR and fear of pain hold me (and us) back from so so much. RISK means that we might have to face some disappointment so we don’t risk. I think the risk is SO worth it.
Wow! That sounds like exactly what I was feeling. I separated from my husband a few months ago. I feel like a failure, but at the same time, I know that this is what is best for my family and me.
OMG you are not a failure! I am feeling the same way…but we are better than this! We need to all stick together and not be brought down……xoxoxo
I don’t know either of you but know that you’re not a failure. I watched my parents stay in a broken marriage for years only to finally divorce once my brother & I were grown. We all knew things were broken but no one wanted to step up to fix it. You’re better for standing up & doing what’s best for YOU as well as any children you may have.
Hang in there Rosanna. I think if you are doing what you feel is best… that is the best thing for you to do. Sitting with those feelings is hard, though.
I left and you are so right, fear takes over a lot in our lives. My biggest issue was not being employed and having to rely on others with two kids. My final thoughts were what am I teaching my son and daughter about a relationship? What I saw was definitely not what I wanted them to emulate in their relationships especially my son who is older. My next goal is establishing a stable home for me and my kids. After two years I am now gainfully employed and what is also important is to form a real strong support network. I have found that negativity is not what is needed when you are trying to move forward in peace and harmony.
That is wonderful AJ, I am happy you found that for yourself!
Well, whatever you want really IS the right answer (unless you’re accepting savage beatings, in which case we all band together and stage an intervention
).
And my path? My path is cultivating a life worth loving. Maybe I’ll leap across the canyon of here to “OMG Awesomeland!” next year; maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll get out of The Trap, maybe I’ll learn to make the most of it. (Hey, at least the kids are fed, and I can stretch a buck with the power of the price match, right?)
You can and you will Meredith. I am sorry I still don’t have answers for you. The closest I have come for to an answer is this: people. People made the difference. I hope you have good people in your life.
THIS! “So part of my journey is trusting that I am enough and my choices, however I land, are okay. Because I am okay no matter what road I take. You are okay, no matter what road you take.”
It’s amazing how fear can hold us at such a standstill. It took me a long time to get to the point where I was ready to leave but one morning I woke up and said “today is the day”. It was my time. I was finally ready. I’ve been through my fair share of hard decisions regarding where my road is leading and has led me over the years and I love what you said above. We are going to be OK
Love to you Caitlin. I think you YOU are more than okay. For reals.
So I came to your blog as a high school friend of Garrett. However, I stayed because I’m a fan of you. I can’t imagine how scary it was to even share your story, much less put it out here on your blog. I commend you for your strength, and girlfriend, if anyone is worthy of more…it is you. Because you have already overcome so much. You are so strong and powerful, and you deserve nothing less than the respect and love that you have shown. Whatever path you are led down, you’ll be ok. Not because of the choices you make, but because of who you are. I know I don’t really “know” you…but thank you for sharing your heart.
Thanks Brit. Such kind words.