I’ve been reading Minimalist Packrat’s blog over the last couple of days. Finding Tanja’s blog was Kismet. In a post that made me CRY, Tanja wrote this:
SIMPLE THINGS OFTEN AREN’T SIMPLE
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I got that tank because I had an idealized view of reality in my head, where a small tank of fish would provide me with tranquility and serenity.
I’d made many other purchases in the past based on that same assumption (or hope).
Tanja makes the point that she was attaching values to obtaining things that weren’t actually going to provide the value that she hoped for. I did/do the same thing. I do it about people, places, AND things. People do this everyday. They get married because they think a partner will provide some magic cure. They start hobbies, build relationships, go places, all in hopes of finding something they need.
Yes, I bought the all white service-ware set because I believed the uniform creamy white dishes would add some sort of Martha Steward- esque nostalgia to our family meals. Maybe one day my daughter would look back and remember the classy and dignified dinners so prepared with love. Yes, I want to move to _____________(fill in the blank) because THERE things won’t be like this, there the people are more__________________(fill in the blank).
Lately I have been so overwhelmed with what I thought my life would look like. Being surprised by pregnancies, even when you tried to prevent them, a marriage that didn’t turn out like you’d imagined, and the other laundry list of broken expectations have left me feeling really, well.. sort of “what the hell is the point.”
When Garrett left for rehab our home went into foreclosure. The previous loss of Garrett’s job and then the subsequent loss of his next job, after he came back from rehab, left us financially unstable. Freelance writing/blogging/social media is great, but it doesn’t bring in consistent pay checks. So we defaulted and went into something the bank called “loss mitigation”. It has been several months and they still haven’t reviewed our case. We still don’t know when/if they’ll take our house. We still don’t know if they’ll adjust our mortgage so we can afford it, considering we are catching up from all the expenses that accrued from Garrett being unemployed. Beyond that, we’ve been trying to get out of this house for years now. We are stuck.
We sat down yesterday and had a gut wrenching talk. We cried. We talked about who we thought we were before versus who we are now. We talked about fulfilling other’s expectations: having the mortgage, the kids, and the marriage we thought we were supposed to have. He was taught by his father that you get a good job, marry a good woman, buy a good house, be a good Christian, and raise good kids. As it turns out- that isn’t the best plan for everyone and “good” is relative. Garrett followed the rules he was taught by his family but, obviously, as any honest person will admit you can’t insulate against reality. Kids aren’t always “good”, houses can burn down (even if just symbolically), and what the hell does being a “good Christian” even mean?!
Sometimes the rules that we adopt, the ones that aren’t true to who we are, act like a prison. We can find ourselves trying to break free of the rules in our own ways. The more and more we force ourselves to adhere to the mask those rules created, we find ourselves doing increasingly destructive things internally to free ourselves. The process of differentiation can be arduous.
We talked about living a life that was fractured. Garrett admitted to wanting to live as the new him, the him that was honest about his issues and who he truly was, while still trying to keep the facade of the old life in tact. Who wants to say, “Yeah, I lost my job because of my addiction and then I couldn’t make my mortgage, THEN I went to rehab and things got worse, so now we don’t have a home.”
I am sure this all seems confusing. It is confusing even to us: the people who are living it.
So today I(we) are feeling inspired. I am going to take Tanja’s lead and clear out stuff that I don’t use/need that I kept because it “meant something”. More than that, we are letting go of the expectation of who we thought we should/would be and embracing, instead, who we are right now. We have decided to give the deed back to the house and face the damage of what has transpired over the last 18 months.
As I was crying at the thought of what this all means, my neighbor Bob was talking to me about everything that has gone on in our family as of late. He is an 80 year old man, frequently cantankerous, unpredictable, and very wise. He said, very simply, about us losing the house and our marriage:
“Jasmine. I think the best thing you and Garrett could do is turn in the deed to this house and turn in the deed to the marriage you thought you had. Move on. This house was never “you”. Give yourselves the chance to start over- without expectation and start over with each other. Who gives a damn about credit scores, or what other people think.”
It is hard, y’all. I am going to cry. I AM crying. But it is time to “clean house”.
I love this brave brave family, and this brave post. And even thoug Bob is a nut who I will continue to squint my eyes at him in suspicion, I am forced to agree with his words.
Jasmine,you ARE on the right track! What really matters is that you look to the Lord in your need and glorify Him in how He WILL meet it! You love your children and they know it. You and your husband are trying to give them the family that they need and the love they need to survive. THESE are the important things. The life things…the eternal things that the Lord values, cherishes and wants for his children. Think of this as a do over. You should be admired for sacrificing the “things and possessions” and not your children, family and husband no matter what the cost. May you see God’s extravagant blessings for putting Him first as your fight for your family.
thanks Sarah!
So powerful and honest. I do know about shedding expectations and it’s so damn hard. But Bob is right. It’s worth it for the peace you’ll have as a result.
Thanks Angie! I will be bellyaching about it on and off, I am sure. I appreciate the encouragement.
Love love love. Bravo!
Thank you for your honesty and bravery.
I’m sorry that when I saw you yesterday, I had no idea you were having such a tremendous shift in your life. I’m glad we met and I hope I get a chance to know you better.
Audra,
I second that! Besides… I HAVE to have more Satchel (sp?) in my life, because that kid is the shit! I envision laughing and wine in our future.
Ok, I will totally trade you Satchel-isms for Addie hugs.
I really keep thinking about this post, and expectations. Although I am an active Episcopalian, I am also an avid listener/reader of Pema Chodron’s books/ recordings. She’s a Buddhist nun who has such an incredible way of sharing Buddhist concepts. She talks so much about clinging, attachment, expectations- how they really are the root of our suffering. She would love this post
) Bravo.
WOW, Jasmine. I wish I could just hug you right now! Brian & I went through a foreclosure (it’s been 8 years ago). I’m sure things have changed, but we did learn quite a bit. Ask a lot of questions and demand answers. It doesn’t have to be the end. It can very well be the beginning.
OH, what the hell – I’ll channel my inner eighth grader: ((((((((HUG))))))))))
I think you’ve inspired me to write a post based on this. Thank you for being so honest, Jasmine, and know that things can get better, especially when you let go of those expectations. In the last 3 years, I’ve gone through bankruptcy, home foreclosure and now divorce. None of it has been easy and some of it I could probably have avoided if I had released myself from my expectations in life sooner. But we’re all human and we’re just trying to get through each day the best way we know how. My goal is to know how tomorrow a little bit better than today.
A friend recently shared a nugget of knowledge that I’m now passing on to you. It’s easy to comprehend and hard to execute, but well worth the effort if you can pull it off.
Happiness = Reality – Expectations
Hang in there and go clear out some more clutter.
Brad. Feel free to audition to be one of my husbands. I’ll be starting a new TLC show called “brother husbands” where I become the first black non-mormon to be a polygamist.
I would watch that show.
I have NO doubt you would, Laurie!
Sending healing prayers. This is a big step. I’m in awe at the authenticity and desire to live in the Truth.
(Hugs) Lots and lots and lots of hugs! For everything.
Jasmine, I am proud to know you; you are a brave, honest and extraordinary woman. Thinking of and praying for you guys. If you have not read Eckert Tolle’s A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, go to the library now, RIGHT NOW and check it out. Stephanie
I’m quite pleased that this post was the first thing I read on my birthday. I typically take the day off to selfishly be all about me, and you’ve said things here related to stuff, simplicity and expectations that are close to my heart, setting a tone for the day that is just what I needed – proof that everyone’s story can be meaningful in myriad ways for so many people.
And, know this: since last summer you’ve shared enough with me directly and kept enough to yourself for me to know that you are struggling, but that you are amazing and sage and aware and that is more than many people will ever have. You’re a good person, your husband is a good man, and you are raising good kids – nobody else’s description of success really matters that much. But hey – Brad’s a good choice if you’re going the brother husband route.
And Audra is definitely someone you want in your life.
It rocked my world to see you at ONSC last weekend. It’s going to be a good spring and summer for the Brown family. xoxo
Bravo! Your story is an inspiration to others, thank you for sharing.
I love what Brad said, “Happiness = Reality – Expectations”.
Keep the vision of your future life in mind while you sort through the current life you’re in. It sounds like the house is one of the largest things causing stress for you right now. Walking away from it will probably be a tremendous relief. I walked away from my house several years back (a rustic cabin in the woods that needed more tlc than I knew how to give) and it ended up being the best decision me and my honey could have made. You’ll get through this and not only survive, but thrive. Positive thoughts heading out your way right now.
luv Tanja
Incredibly expressed, Jasmine, and I am so so sorry this is all happening. Your “brother husbands” comment confirms even that much more that you have got every ability to recover from all this trauma. I will certainly be praying for your marriage to have a fresh start and that G can completely recover from all that is haunting and compelling him.
Bob is right. Totally right, the expectations are killing us. Big hugs from the imperfect me to the imperfect you.
Thanks Jackie! I do adore you and your authenticity.
Thank you for sharing your story. That can’t be easy, but I am also sure it’s therapeutic in some ways. Continue to be strong and to be positive. As women, we tend to carry the load on our backs, not realizing that one day, that load will topple over because we can only hold so much weight.
Take care of you emotionally, physically, mentally. Because you are the center of the family. When you are happy and taken care of, others in your family will be at ease. Cause when Mama’s happy, everyone is.
Hugs to you…