Morning Death Threats

Since my last post was about my fear of Godzilla exiting through my vagina I thought I would be paradoxical and eat S’mores for breakfast while writing this post. Gestational diabetes my ass!! ;) It is okay ladies and gents, I had a glass of milk TOTALLY made sure I got some protein in there.

I woke up this morning in a “blah” kind of mood. Garrett and I have been doing marriage therapy and being good parents and human beings, dealing with our issues, and today is another appointment. Which explains the blah mood, I don’t like paying someone to tell me I can sometimes suck. I would rather pay them to tell me that Garrett sucks and it is all his fault, but alas… Sadie is already my friend and she adores Garrett… So I am extra blah whilest meandering through the house. I made it to the kitchen to discover Isaiah, my soon to be four year old, had already tried to find the marshmallows (good thing I hid them before I went to bed!). The flies were out and in full effect (annoying product of living near a horse pasture). Isaiah was laying on the couch waiting for me and began his morning with this announcement:

“Mommy! I need to see Norah today. She is my best friend girl. I haven’t seen her forever and you are being mean keeping me from her. I want to play with Norah. I will move away to the mountains.”

Me: “Isaiah it is 7 in the morning. I don’t do well with threats ask the dead bodies under our house.”

Isaiah: “You are crazy. I am not playing… take me to my Nori, my Sadie, my Russy. I like Joe too.”

Me: “Okay Isaiah. They have to wake up first, you know Sadie has the beautiful advantage of sleeping in because HER kids don’t wake up at the crack of dawn!”

Isaiah: “NOW!”

Me: “NOT NOW!”

Isaiah: “RiiiiiiiGHT NooooooW!”

Me: “Isaiah if you keep screaming at me we are gonna have a come to Jesus moment involving a lot less compassion…

Isaiah: “what?”

Me: “I don’t know. Just leave me alone, I will text Sadie!”

I don’t think Sadie or I ever imagined the sort of relationships our children would build. Norah is three and Isaiah is almost four and you’d think they have spent 40 years together by the way they freak out if any sort of period of time passes without contact. Norah has been know to request “her Isaiah” on occasion… they are strange little creatures.

I wish, sometimes, my life was documented by a well groomed camera man who also liked to cook meals for me, Chef Curtis Stone will do. Because if I had a well groomed camera man who was filming my life on this particular morning. Ya’ll would watch this video replayed of my conversation with Isaiah and would be all, “dude… your kid has that De Niro death threat thing going on…” and I would be all, “I KNOW! Don’t get me started on what he does if you interrupt him while he is talking to someone else.” This little man throws his hand up in your face and says with great disgust, ” I was not talking to YOU, I was talking to ________fill in the blank.” He even bobs his head back and forth like a disgruntled woman from The Jerry Springer Show. And for one tiny second you feel emasculated by a three year old who loves to paint his toe nails and sing Lady GaGa… Life with Isaiah is never dull!

6 Comments

  1. That is my big man. I love that kid.

    Reply

  2. I love the fact that your son tells you you’re crazy because he knows sarcasm, and then goes about his business. I also love that he threatened to move away to the mountains. I love your kid!

    Reply

    1. I think he learned the whole mountain thing from Dora the Explorer…she is always trying to get to some mountain or other

      Reply

  3. Hmm. You’ll have to keep this blog going for about 20 or so years in order for us to find out if Isaiah and Norah get married. Seriously. The childhood sweetheart thing is almost unheard of these days. This would have the makings of an epic love story all over it. Okay, or maybe I’m just overthinking things? ;)

    Reply

    1. Ah yes, Nicholas Sparks would appreciate the material, I am sure….

      Reply

  4. Life with kids is not only never dull, but it gets stranger as they grow up. But that’s a good thing.

    Reply

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